I leave the gas on
Walk the allies in the dark
Sleep with candels burning
I leave the door unlocked
I'm weaving a rope and
Running all the red lights
Did I get your attention
Cuz I'm sending all the signs
That the clocking is ticking
And I'll be giving my two weeks
Pick your favorite shade of black
You'd best prepare a speech
Say something funny
Say something sweet
But don't say that you loved me

Cuz I'm still breathing
Though we've been dead for awhile
This sickness has no cure
We're goingdown for sure
Already lost a grip
On this abandoned ship



I don't want her at my funeral. I can't stand her in real life. I do not want her to be their when others mourn [or celebrate] my death. Sam, fair enough. But not her. Why am i saying this you may ask. Well. Because i have the plan to kill myself on Tuesday. At the park, under the old tree. I have everything ready for it. And no body cares enough to ask my in real life what's wrong and genuinely want to listen to the answer. So there is no body to stop me.

It's over
What else can I say?
You made your choice
And walked away.

It's over
There's no turning back,
And my heart was broken
Just like that.

It's over
And there is nothing I can do,
But gather up the memories
Of the things we used to do.

It's over
How else can I explain?
You went your separate way
Now nothing is the same.

It's over
And all the tears I've cried,
Wont bring back the love
You used to feel inside.

It's over
I have to forget you now,
To stop loving you is hard,
But I must do it somehow.

Because it's over
And I'll never have you again.
No matter how much I begged you
Our relationship came to an end.

But it's over now
No matter what I try
You just wont come back to me,
No matter the tears I cry...

I just need to let you know,
That you will always own my heart,
Although shattered and broken
You'll carry it, all torn apart....

Everything is going wrong and down hill drastically quickly and i can't stop it. Fast approaching is November 21st, the one year anniversary of a suicide pact i made with someone and since then, things have been bad on every 21st. The one year anniversary will be devastatingly bad. Especailly seeing as we will be seeing each other more often soon. That's not neccesarily bad because i like him but, well we don't always get on well...

On monday, my girlfriend dumped me for a guy. Not just any guy though, my best friend. Then, on Wednesday i found out that actually, she would have dumped me about 2 weeks ago if she hadn't of been scared of me killing myself. She said that she told the guy a week before we split up and they got together at the same time we split. I have honestly never felt pain so strong as this. IT hurts more then when Matt [a VERY close friend] died. Because i know, i will see her everyday and i will see them together. Everytime they sign into MSN there's a heart and the date we split up there, glaring at me. I want her to be happy, don't get me wrong. But does it have to hurt so much? Does she have to rub it into me? That she is better looking then me. More fun then me. Less screwed up then me. More trustworthy then me. More patient then me. Less angry then me. Better then me in every single way.

I've started something else which isn't advisable to anyone no matter the situation. I've started to sleep with anyone who asks for sex. Especially one guy who's hurt me before [not the guy froim the suicide pact]. And i don't really care but my so called "friends" do. If they care, where were they when she dumped me? No-where. He was there and he offered a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. It was the least i could do to have sexual contact with him. People say it lowers myself to shitty standars but i've really gone past caring.

My solvent abuse is getting almost as bad as it was this time last year. Sniffing almost all day every day and it's scaring me because it's not just aerosols any more it's gas canisters too and i'm inhaling more and more eevry time. Because of the solvents, i have no short term memory and my long term memory has almost all faded. I have constant headaches and wheneevr i smell an aerosol in the air i feel sick, dizzy and light headed.

I can't sleep anymore becsause my dreams are riddled with pain and hurt:mixed with memories, warped memories and thoughts of the future or of events that could have happenede but didn't. I barely get miore then 2 hours sleep everynight and i was on Melatonin but that just made everything worse.

School used to be my sanctuary, back in the days of year 7 and 8. And i had started to regain trust and hope in in at the start of this year [year 10] until monday just gone. The tuesday night mum and i got harrasment in the street form two girls from school then on the Wednesday, i got more hassle at dinner. Twice as bad though. I managed to stay calm for at least 10 minutes but then they started to slag my mum off and i lost it. I didn't hit them but i hit the wall badly with full force. I neded up in A and E for 4 hours to be told that no bones were damaged but the ligements in my hand and wrist were damaged somehow. On Friday dinner, things toook a turn for the worst. I went up to form early because i was feeling lonely but crowded at the same time in the main corridor. When i went up, as i sat on the floor, the two girls were just coming out of the ICT room. The one smaked my head off the brick wall behind me while the other laughed and satrted to slag me off about my weight etc. Once they'd gone, i walked into the CIT room, sat in the corner and broke down. I couldn't stop crying no matter hiow hard i tried. It's a good job i get on well with the ICT teacher. He talked to me about what happened with my [ex]gf and how the bullying was getting un-bearable. If it weren't for him, i would have walked out of the school and tried to kill myself.

I don't know what to do. I'm being torn into two pieces. Do i follow my edcucational needs and try and keep my emotions at bay and hold it together or do i tell someone and get help with my emotional well being and go back to the learning centre? I don't feel safe at the mainstream school anymore. all but about 4 people there [3 are staff] have hurt me in some way. What would you do? Study and suffer pain and hurt or not study as much but be happy?

Nearly everyone i know who's 30+ says school is the best years of your life. I hope not because if it is, i want to die even more because if things get worse, the thin strand i'm hanging by will snap and i will fall to a place where no one will ever find me again. Somewhere where i can never return from. Somewhere i can finally live a peaceful life with no one hurting or abusiong me.

I don't know why i am typing this but it helps to just lie here in my brother's flat and jsut type and type. I've been thinking about what Mrs.O said about how posting certain things online makes me vulnerable? Well miss, quite frankly, i can't get much more vulnerable then i already am so what's the worst that could happen? This [typing] has helped me tonight/this morning and stopped me from doing so many thing i could have and did want to do. I just don't know what to do for the best anymore. My life has lost all purpose since she left me for my best friend and i lost my safe haven that goes by the name of school.

Questions i want to ask you but can't :

How long did you feel that it wasn't working?
How long did you feel you wanted to be with Sam?
Why tell me you loved me?
Why say forever if you knew you were going to get with him as soon as it ended?
How can you do this to me?
Do you even care ?

Well. That's that then. It's over. Who knows if we;ll ever get back together. Maybe if / when we both get a bit better we might. But until then, I guess we'll just be friends. Why?  Well...

* Wallis - "You should let her go out with Sam. I'd find someone new for you"

*White - "So when did you and Sam become an item?" [this made me realize, it's true. she spent more time flirting with Sam and Alec then she ever did hugging me or even talking to me[

*Walking off with Alec - She didn't say by, or even knowledge i was there. She just walked off with Alec knowing i wouldn't be able to follow, even though i desperately wanted to.

*Saying she was safer with Sam

*Saying i didn't love her

*flirting with nearly every other guy

And just Generally the way we have been around each other recently... We were not doing either of us any good. This is what's best for us both. for now, anyway.


Walked home with Shaun Rowley. He listened to me. The first person who actually listened to me and gave decent advice to me in ages. He explained a lot of things and helped me sort out some shit in my head about home stuff. He is not too bad i guess when it's just me and him.


(8)It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
I swear to god this song is going to cause me to break down any second now. It's so fucking amazing it really is.

(8)Nothing compares, No Nothing Compares to you.
That song, is really sad. This whole situation is really sad. But alas, was inevitable. (8)Why do all good things come to an end?... But if i am honest it was not neccesarily a good thing for the past few weeks... And has not helped either of us... I just hope we're both strong enough.

See? I can't even cry at the last Good-bye.

(8) Goodbye; I'll Miss You

This is was happens when i don't take my medication :(
But there are some things that have added to this too.
I'm sorry.
Not that you'll notice of course.
Unless you read this.
Even though I've put it as my flipping personal message.
No one will read it.
Because i am not as cute or thin as her.
And not as trust-worthy or nice as him.
I am the one that everyone is scared of.
The one that people are only nice to because they're scared that i will lash out and break their nose.
People don't like me, people are scared of me.
She would probably have left me by now if i was not so violent.

You know i had a dream last night about Alec.
He raped me.
She just stood there while he did it
And gave me the most disgusted look you could ever imagine
And let it carry on.
As though i wanted it and deserved it.
Like it was consented sex.
But she has no idea
That i can't have sex with anyone
Not unless it is for money or drugs.
That is the only way.
I don't know why.
I try, really i do.
But nothing works.
I fall apart at the very thought of having sex for no money or drugs.
See what i have become?
Even i am scared of me now.
What went wrong?
Why have i ended up in this?
Why me?

If i go to bed now, i will be dead before the sunrise.
I am trying to keep alive.
Why , i don't know.
But I'll just type and type until someone actually cares enough to tell me to go to sleep.

I have that fucking speech going round in my head and it is not helping my status right now.
"Too much emotional baggage".
just fuck off.
Leave me alone,
I do not care how much emotional baggage i have right now.
but i do care about those around me and you telling me that i do not care about them or anyone else is a load of mother fucking shit faced cock pots.








Goodbye.

Name - Chelsey
Location - Dudley, England
Age - 14 [15 on October 25th !! ]
Job - Volunteer

~ Your Appearance ~

Hair Color: Blonde
Eye Color: Blue / grey
Height: 164 cm
Scars: Legs, Arms, Breats, Stomache, Neck, Hands
Piercings: Ears, Lip, Eye brow, Cartlidge
Tattoos: Not yet but i have the design ready for when i'm old enough
Righty or Lefty: Bothy.

~ Do You Believe In ~

God: Yes
Miracles: Yes
Love At First Sight: No
Ghosts: Yes
Aliens: No
Soul Mates: Yes
Heaven: No
Hell: No
Angels: Yes
Kissing on A First Date: Yea

Animals: Yarr. A Hamster
Music: Metallica and Nirvana and Breaking Benjamin, Killswitch Engage, Tool, Staind, there's tons...all rock and metal though...maybe a little country now and then for giggles lolz

So. . .
I am supposed to be writing a massively huge update
only...
i can think of no insperation :S

CAMHS tomorrow and not one of my "mates" has remembered
so fucking nervous
day off school though i guess
much needed day off school
i haven't told anyone yet
but i broke down at the start of english
i could not stop shaking or crying
no one has any idea what i am going thorugh
people say they undertsand
that they're in the same position with solvents
no they're fucking not
I've done drugs since i was 10
fuck off
don't tell me you understand b/c you don't.
i know you fucking don't












i need mr.h :(

Both hands have what appears to be infected wounds.
Lost feeling in right hand. Tingling wsensation in both.
Both ice cold

xXXx

This was not ment to happen.
But it has.
Is.
Happening.
I'm caving in on myself.
I'm not talkiung to anyone.
Making everyone think i'm great.
Pushing those who care as far away as possible.
And once they've gone.
It'll be goodbye
I don't know why this is happening
But oh well

I think breanan is bulimic
or at least ED NOS

Today.

P.e. Was rough on me. Really rough. I havem't had bullying like that since Yr. 7
But heh, i thought, hey. It's ok. I'll cope.
I went to Science.
Sat by people i know.
Miles had a go at me
Told me to move by either guys who hated me
Or girls who hated me.
I chose to stay where i was.
He told me again.
I laid my head on the desk and cried and i couldn't stop once i'd started.
I sat one the three steps and cried and cried and cried.
Mr. Harris came and spoke to me.
He told me not to let them get me down.
Once he'd gone
I started to cry again.
And all that went through my mind was.
"I am broken, if i move from this place i will fall apart"
Then , Mr Harris must have gone and phoned and Mrs. Tyler
And she came and hugged me and took me into the office
Gave me a tissue and asked me what was going on.
I told her, then she let me sit in Mrs. Windmill's office.
Where i did one piss-easy sheet of science work.
Then sat and cried some more.
Then Mrs. Windmill came and asked what was up.
I said. "Nothing"
And she left me be.
Then i spent break with Andyy and Mrs. Morris found me.
Asked what had happened.
I told her and said that i had R.E with Mrs. Windmill next.
She said that nothing would happen there.
I looked at andyy and said
"Ha.What happened last lesson"
Andyy said - "I'm not going there"
Then Mrs. Morris said "I think me and you need to have a serious chat don't you ?"
She was meant to pull me out of English.
But suprise suprose
Never did.
Got called down to the office.
Had to see VI woman.
Got support at least once a day most days now.
Then went and found Mrs.Morris at the end of the day.
She basically told me
To ignore them
And that she's going to do nothing.
Just like Mr.Plant.
Usless as hell.
I don't know what the hell i am going to do anymore.

Might as well just leave Crestwood now.
Or i could just go to Mrs.Morris first thing tomorow,
Tell her i don't know if it was Dan Hickman
And show her the list i wrote in Isolation today
Of everything they have ever said to me.

I have been in are several times during my life. A year in a care home from 3-4.
3 Months in a foster house when i was 6
And on and off from 9-12

This is kinda hard to say; so it might take a while to explain...

My dad was violent...really violent. One night when i was about 10-ish he came home drunk and smacked my mum around then threw me against a wall and stamped on my ankle, breaking it.  He was real violent and instead of doin ghwat most would have done and become withdrawn and hidden away from him, i stood  up for my mum and took his punches. Every.Last.One. And she jsut let it all happen. No one noticed the bruises. No one cared or dared to ask where they came from.

But i was never taken into  care    but rather always put into care.

Because of that, there was never a cause for concern. As far as Social sErvices where concerned, i was just another screwed up violent twat that my parents couldn't cope with.

It was in one of the god-knows-how-many foster homes that i met Matt. Or rather Lewellyn Mathews.

We hated each other to begin with xD

Hmm. What else...

Hardley anyone knows

Ermmm...
I haven't been on a care home since March 06 ish i think
'Cause i was with the foster ffamily that had fostered Matt.
They were the main ones who could take care of me and my...habbits.
He'd gone to live with his Uncle.
I was at there house when i got the news.
I refused to ever step into their house. Ever Again
And have lived with family ever since.

Idk what else to say.
Moslty blocked it out.
Not my best days

dad- everyfuckingtimeigooutitsthefuckingsame.
odly enough
thtas is exactly what mom says


I HOPE YOU BOTH GET FUCKING WELL STABBED TONIGHT I REALLY FUCKING DO

I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you
That your life was snatched away so fast
Guess heaven needed one more angel
And that's why your life could not last

And I'm sorry for the things that I did
Can't help but feel it is all my fault
And people tell me not to blame myself
But when you died my life came to a halt

And now each and every single night
I'm always wondering what if and why
Staring blankly at the ceiling tiles
Can't help but begin to silently cry

Wishing that things could be different
But knowing that I'll never be the same
And every time I see a giggling baby
My entire being cries out in silent pain

Always wondering what you'd look like
What would be the first words you'd say
Does anyone realize my entire world crumbled
On that awful day that you were ripped away

Why are all of the bad dreams coming today?.

I amnearly in pieces. I was thinking about what i have tomorow, R.E. Which means Mrs.Windmill...then for some god forsaken reason i started to think about her retiring...

It's either all the stress from today or because i haven't had my meds in god knows how long.